5 reasons you don’t feel good enough

When a client’s inner critic pops up in session with a particularly cruel comment, i tend to ask them where that belief came from. Often they have identified with it for so long that they haven’t thought to even question it. But the thing is, children are not born feeling inherently unworthy or mean to themselves, so it couldn’t possibly have started from you, right?

Self-esteem develops as a result of messages received (whether explicitly told or from how you were treated) growing up. Low self-esteem and not feeling good enough therefore is the product of internalised shame as a result of inadequate parenting which has left you feeling that there must be something wrong with you. This has long lasting effects in adulthood - influencing relationships, career choices, and mental wellbeing.

Being able to separate your feelings with where it actually comes from by recognising childhood trauma is a crucial first step towards healing and developing a healthier sense of self-worth.

5 ways childhood trauma causes you to feel not good enough:

1. Absence of a safe attachment

• Emotionally unavailable and preoccupied parents (depressed, drinking, stressed)

• Physically absent parent (growing up without a father or parents always at work)

• Having overinvolved and enmeshed parents or disinterested and ignoring you

• Unable to trust or rely on parents for help or emotional support

• Lack of physical affection or expressions of love

  2. Criticism and high expectations

• Encouraging the next goal without celebrating your current achievement

• Pressure to excel and perform perfectly, or better than others

• Blaming the child for the parent's own problems or shortcomings

• Concerns with what other people will think being prioritised

• Using hurtful language or making fun of the child that diminishes their self-worth

• Expressing disappointment when the child can't meet unrealistic demands or expectations

• Mistakes are highlighted but achievements are overlooked (e.g. one wrong question in an exam).

• Receiving critical remarks about your weight or appearance

3. Constant comparisons:

• Feeling overlooked or overshadowed by others who take up more space

• Pressure to perform or succeed like an older sibling rather than appreciating the child’s unique qualities

• Struggling with neurodiversity but being expected to act neurotypically

• Personality traits being compared unfavourably to other children

• Being told your ‘negative’ traits are similar to those a parent dislikes (e.g. “you’re so like your dad”)

  4. Lack of Validation:

• Parents who are emotionally unavailable (depressed, drinking, immature) or physically absent

• Ignoring or dismissing achievements or interests as insignificant and unimportant

• Failing to acknowledge a child’s hard work and effort

• Reacting with indifference or criticism to the child's feelings or concerns

• Birthdays and milestones aren’t celebrated (sufficiently)

• Lack of interest in the child’s life or interests

  5. Rejection and abandonment:

• Withholding love and affection as a form of punishment

• Ignoring the child's emotional needs and not providing support or comfort

• Being left for prolonged periods (e.g. whilst parents are at work or out drinking)

• Telling the child to go away when asking for their needs to be met

• Punishing the child for expressing their thoughts and feelings

• Being left out of conversations, family activities or forgotten about

• Experiencing a bereavement or estrangement

Feeling not good enough defends from the pain of accepting that your parents weren’t good enough for you.

It’s waaaay too scary for a child to accept that their parent cannot give them what they need, because that means facing the prospect of abandonment, and if they are abandoned they cannot survive. Children take everything personally, and if a parent behaves in unloving ways towards you, you interpret it as meaning that you must be unloveable rather than recognising their failings.

By believing that you are the ‘problem’ and by working harder to try and get your parent’s love and attention it keeps you attached and in relationship with them. It gives you hope that things will get better and they will eventually be the parents you need them to be. So you give them what they needed in the hope it might be returned, and because it elicits a response that helped you to feel wanted or safe. Quite clever really. As an adult though, this can keep you stuck in abusive or neglectful family dynamics which no longer serve you.

It’s okay to have needs and it’s time to put the shame where it belongs (spoiler: it’s not with you).

take the next step

Therapy can help you to gain insights on how your own personal experiences have shaped how you feel about yourself, the negative beliefs you hold, your current behaviours that are holding you back and dysfunctional patterns in relationships.

We repeat what we don’t repair. By allowing space for you to process your feelings about what happened back then, it will reduce it’s power over you in the present so you can break the cycles which are no longer serving you (say goodbye to crippling perfectionism, chasing unavailable relationships and overworking).

Self-awareness is an important part, but simply reading all the books is not enough. To truly heal from childhood relational trauma, we need to experience a new, positive relationship in therapy which seeks to repair what happened by offering the opposite of everything listed above and allowing yourself to receive it.

If you are ready to take the next step, and wish to have increased confidence, acceptance and love for yourself, contact me to arrange a FREE 20 minute discovery call to find out how i can help and ask me any questions.