5 reasons you don’t feel good enough

Have you ever noticed that harsh voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough? The one that criticises, judges, and never seems satisfied no matter what you do? When this comes up in sessions with clients, I often ask: “Where do you think that belief came from?” More often than not, there’s a long pause because they’ve carried it for so long, it feels like it’s always been part of them.

But here’s the truth: you weren’t born speaking to yourself that way. You weren’t born believing you were unworthy or “too much” or “not enough.” Those painful beliefs didn’t start with you.

Self-esteem doesn’t develop in a vacuum. It grows in response to the messages you received as a child, whether directly through words spoken to you or indirectly through how you were treated. When your emotional needs weren’t fully met, you may have internalised the sense that “something must be wrong with me.” Over time, this can solidify into a core belief that you’re flawed or unworthy of love.

This is how low self-esteem often takes root: as the product of internalised shame that stems from inconsistent, neglectful, or overly critical parenting. And these wounds don’t disappear when you grow up, they shape your relationships, career choices, and even how you speak to yourself.

So how does this happen?

5 ways childhood trauma causes you to feel not good enough:

1. Absence of a safe attachment

When parents are emotionally unavailable or preoccupied - whether due to depression, addiction, stress, or simply being too busy - you’re left unable to trust that your needs will be met. This also happens when a parent is physically absent (e.g. working long hours or growing up without a father) or emotionally intrusive (overinvolved and enmeshed). Without consistent love, comfort, and physical affection, a child begins to believe they’re unworthy of care.

2. Criticism and high expectations

Were your achievements rarely celebrated because there was always a new goal to chase? Did you feel pressure to excel, perform perfectly, or live up to someone else’s unrealistic standards? When mistakes are highlighted but successes are overlooked, or when parents use hurtful language about your weight, appearance, or abilities, self-worth gets chipped away piece by piece (death by a thousand paper cuts).

3. Constant comparisons:

Maybe you grew up feeling overshadowed by siblings or others who seemed to take up more space. Perhaps you were praised only when you matched or outperformed someone else, instead of being celebrated for your unique qualities.

You might have been told directly, or subtly shown, that your personality, interests, or abilities didn’t measure up. Comments like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “You’re just like your father” (when said with disdain) send powerful messages that parts of you are unworthy or unacceptable.

If you were struggling with neurodiversity and expected to behave “normally,” or if your natural traits were compared unfavourably to others, it may have felt like nothing you did was quite enough.

Over time, these constant comparisons can chip away at your sense of identity, leaving you questioning whether it’s even okay to be yourself.

4. Lack of Validation:

Emotional validation is essential for a child to feel seen and valued. When parents ignore, dismiss, or criticise your feelings, or fail to show interest in your achievements, milestones, or passions, you’re left with the sense that your emotions don’t matter. Over time, this can make you disconnect from your own needs and lose yourself in relationships to keep others close.

5. Rejection and abandonment:

Few things cut deeper than feeling rejected or abandoned by the very people who were meant to love and protect you. When a parent withholds affection or uses love as a bargaining chip (“I’ll only cuddle you if you behave”), it teaches a child that care is conditional - that they have to earn it by suppressing their needs or being “good enough.”

Perhaps you were left alone for long periods while your parents worked, drank, or were preoccupied with their own lives. Or maybe when you tried to express your needs or feelings, you were told to “go away” or punished for speaking up. These moments send a powerful, unspoken message: “Your needs don’t matter. You are too much.”

Some children experience being physically left out - excluded from family conversations, activities, or even forgotten entirely. Others endure the pain of bereavement or estrangement of a parent or sibling who left them, leaving them with a lingering fear of loss and disconnection.

Feeling not good enough defends from the pain of accepting that your parents weren’t good enough for you.

It’s waaaay too scary for a child to accept that their parent cannot give them what they need, because that means facing the prospect of abandonment, and if they are abandoned they cannot survive. So rather than risk losing the relationship altogether, they often adapt by blaming themselves: “If I can just work harder, be quieter, or take care of their needs, maybe they’ll love me.”

But as an adult, these old survival strategies can trap you in unhealthy dynamics, overgiving, people-pleasing, or tolerating neglect, because part of you is still hoping to finally get the love you deserved back then.

It’s okay to have needs and it’s okay to want to feel safe, loved and enough. It’s time to put the shame where it belongs (spoiler: it’s not with you).

take the next step

Therapy can help you gain insight into how your childhood experiences shaped the way you feel about yourself, the negative beliefs you’ve carried, and the behaviours keeping you stuck.

We repeat what we don’t repair. By creating space to process and release what happened back then, you loosen its grip in the present and open the door to healthier relationships, greater self-acceptance, and freedom from old patterns.

Self-awareness is an important first step, but reading all the books isn’t enough. To truly heal from childhood relational trauma, you need to experience a different kind of relationship - one where you’re met with the care, validation, and attunement you deserved all along.

If you’re ready to take the next step and build confidence, self-acceptance, and inner peace, contact me to arrange a FREE 20-minute discovery call. We can explore how therapy might help you and answer any questions you have.